It’s here. My first angelversary, or Todd’s I should say. 1 year, 52 weeks, 365 days – however you want to look at it, it’s here. There’s so much to say and yet it’s so hard to find the words, maybe they’ll come. One thing is for sure, I’m not convinced that time heals all wounds – I think I miss Todd more now than I did after he passed away 1 year ago.
So today started out great. I am working at Stayfit Studio in Key West, and did training this morning for the front desk. As I was training and we were chatting it came up how you can use hair binders for anything. I said, my husband used them for his money clip even. Even after I bought him a fancy coach money clip. The owner asked if he was with me and I said he passed away. I need to start saying my late husband, it just says it all there. Anyway training was good, and I didn’t think much about today (this morning. I’ve thought about it a lot everyday this past couple of weeks) until I was on my way home. I then ran into the neighbors and got instructions on taking care of their dog that we are dog sitting for the next few days. And then came in the house. And that’s when it hit me. Today. 365 days. 52 weeks. 1 year. Holy shit. And now I can’t stop crying. It’s like the tears just keep coming and are completely out of my control. But it’ll be ok, I’m going to head over and swim it out in a little bit. I just had to get this out first, it feels good to get down what I’m feeling. And then sharing it I guess, that feels strange but it’s what I decided to do when I started this.
ok. That’s how the day started. Now I want to talk about 2 things both in reflection. About Todd, and about the last year. Both I have to tie back to gratitude. We talk about gratitude in Modern Widows Club a lot, and I think about it every day. Everyday especially when I’m missing Todd. Because he should be here, sharing life still with me. What helps is working on gratitude and being grateful for having him in my life even though our time was short, when I think about my life. I saw this post the other day, it’s pretty powerful and another thing to be grateful for.
So….Todd…..I was lucky to know him, lucky to love him, and lucky to be loved by him. I know I’ve said this before but I am a better person because of him. He was so perfect for me, and I think I for him. We talked about that when he was alive. One of his favorite quotes was “It’s not about finding the perfect person, but the imperfect person who’s perfect for you”. I don’t know if he made that up, or if it’s an actual saying, but it’s perfect I think. I know I will miss that man every day of the rest of my life. I really doesn’t matter what happens, if I meet someone else or not, get married again or not, Todd will forever be in my heart and I will never stop loving him. He was so amazing. Those of you who knew him, know that. He was funny, witty, VERY good looking, intelligent, caring, and so many other things. He could also be a prick, but usually when needed 🙂
Todd taught me so many things about myself. I think back and feel like I was kind of lost when I met him. He, just being him, made me feel so special right from the start. I’m pretty sure I fell in love with him right away. I don’t remember the first time we said “I love you” to each other, but I do know it was pretty fast. I moved in with him 2 months after the first day I met him. He helped me respect myself, become more confident, and really grow as a person. I truly feel that we had one of those really special relationships that not everyone gets – another thing to be grateful for. We supported each other 100% through so many different challenges, as well as great times over the 12 years we were together. I miss him everyday, the talks we had and his point of view on things. I would give anything to sit down and talk to him.
On to the year. What a year it’s been, when I think of the year I think of it starting in November, the day after Todd died. I look at time in that way even, with how far “out” I am. Anyway, the 1st month I’m not sure what happened, it’s a blur. But then I went to Key West, which is where my healing really began. Yes, there was a lot of drinking and dancing, but there was also a lot of family time, friends time, meeting new people who are now great friends, yoga, paddleboarding, swimming. Really LIVING. Realizing I was alive and just figured out how to get up and move everyday. I hate to say move forward, but I guess in reality that’s what it is. But know this, a part of Todd carries with me everyday – I don’t ever want or see that changing.
So, after Key West I went back, and back again. Then to Vegas, Washington, Thailand, Chicago, Mexico, Peru, and now back to Key West. Oh, did I mention I lost my job during that time as well. In the long run it’s been a blessing. That allowed me to really do “me” through all of those amazing experiences, and along the way I made some great friends. I have this life now that I didn’t ask for, don’t want, but it’s here and I have to make the best of it and just figure it out. However, even with all of the experiences and great things that have happened, if I could have Todd back, I’d trade it all in a second.
Through all of this, the best thing I did was becoming a yoga teacher. The training was much deeper and spiritual than I expected, but going through that was incredibly healing. It helped with this journey of figuring out who I am now on my own. I feel good to have gone through that, I feel calmer than I was before, and just much more centered. It has been critical to my moving forward, as well as everything else I’ve done. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone, and finding the “me” that now exists in this new life, 365 days out.
Namaste.
I haven’t written in a while, intentionally. This blog originally was to log what I was doing as a new widow, reaching out to other widows, and it became very personal. It became hard to share what was going on. Because I didn’t want to hurt anyone. The relationship, the love, and the life I shared with Todd was amazing. Not one I want to duplicate. But also hard to put into words. 
