I was at work today and realized the date, another second first I guess. I thought I was done with those. But…..I guess I’m not. It’s the anniversary today of when I came down here last year, or maybe it was yesterday….regardless here I am thinking about it. The first month after Todd died is a blur, I’m not quite sure what happened or how I got through the days. Definitely with a lot of support but the memories of those days are for sure muddy.
This date last year is when I started to live again. I made a decision to get away and come to the Keys with family. A place where there’s water, and warmth, and beaches. Water has always been a healing place for me, usually it was on the river but I also got married on the water – in the Caribbean. Maybe it’s because I’m a water sign, who knows, but whatever it is, being in or around water always has made me feel at peace. So, last year…..My aunt and I spent our first 5 days together with just the 2 of us, and were hanging on to each other. Both going through a very difficult time in life. And we ultimately decided to live and move forward in life at that time. Not that we said it out loud, but looking back that’s what I see and remember. We chose to live for the day, not the past or the future, but the day. Not just getting through it, but working through it and talking about how we were feeling. Getting all of those feelings out, and being able to talk about the same thing everyday helped me to start to be ok in this new life that I didn’t ask for. It’s crazy to remember this date, where I was last year, and where I am now. So much has changed.
I lost my job, went all over the world and the USA with the purpose of figuring out who I am now, on my own, as a widow. It took me a long time to even take that word, ‘widow’, in and accept it. I am so grateful to have had the time to do this because I’ve made new friends, explored a passion (multiple I suppose), and have had amazing support along the way. I know I’m not done. I’m still trying to figure out what to do and where to go with life. Stay in Florida, go back to MN, go somewhere else? And there’s the job thing of course. I’d love to make my life about fitness and well being, we will see how it plays out.
I have to say, as uncertain as I am about the future, I’m happy. Happy to be back in Key West, living here and working here. And just overall am at peace and happy. I miss Todd like crazy of course, I always will, but I am learning to live and be happy without him. If someone would have told me 2 years ago I’d be in this place, happy, and Todd would be gone I would’ve told them they were bat shit crazy! But here it is, and it’s true. How did I get here?
Hmm….a lot of soul searching, taking chances, and living in the moment. Loving those who are here and appreciating life, really appreciating it. Knowing that anything can happen at any moment, and living in the present is much better than living in the past. But I also don’t forget the past, the good and the bad. It has made me who I am, I will never forget that but life moves forward, and I have chosen to move with it.
So what is life like for me now? Wow, to wrap it all up in one word would be different, that’s for sure. I am dedicated to living out a passion, and fully being me in every moment. I think for the first time in my life I am finally comfortable 100% with who I am, the good and the bad. It feels good to be true to myself and honest, even if the message is difficult. Days are busy, I’m working at 3 different places and working on building a clientele with teaching yoga. That’s not easy, but I’m hoping it will come with time, and am trying more than anything to be patient with it.
And here it is, I’m going to share that I’m dating. That may be hard for some to hear, but in the spirit of fully being me and true to this blog’s purpose of sharing my journey as a widow, there it is. I wasn’t sure if this would happen and am going to keep this close to me for now, but I’m happy to have met someone that cares, makes me laugh, and that I can share this part of my life with.
I hope to keep sharing how life moves forward with me, so please follow the blog if you like! My hope is that it can reach other widows and they can know that it’s possible to move forward when you lose your love. I connected with a widow’s group in MN, which was definitely instrumental in healing and being ok with this new life, and I would love to continue connecting with widows and maybe holding my own monthly meeting at some point in the future.
Namaste.
I haven’t written in a while, intentionally. This blog originally was to log what I was doing as a new widow, reaching out to other widows, and it became very personal. It became hard to share what was going on. Because I didn’t want to hurt anyone. The relationship, the love, and the life I shared with Todd was amazing. Not one I want to duplicate. But also hard to put into words. 
